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Feb 26
can someone pay me to write stupid, niche, trite things on various forms of internet
Mar 18
turtle lin
Apr 1
i'd rather be a tree in lord of the rings than a person in real life
Apr 13
contrived and deleted over a dozen tweets over the past two days in an attempt at employing faux pas spelled as faux paws to describe my cat
Jun 12
what's more american than loneliness
Jun 13
call me mister faux paw -my cat
Jul 29
livetweeting being alone in my room
Aug 10
HEY HEY HEY ITS CRIPPLINGGGG DEPRESSION
Aug 16
seems harder to find bitches on goodreads than it really should be..
Aug 30
odds my professor hates his life more than i hate mine seem high #jackpot
Sep 1
people who describe themselves as quirky, the fuck is that
Sep 3
i said what are you doing grandma, she said "im contemplating my navel"
Sep 12
just smiled at a baby who looked at me and vomited
Sep 16
cardigan weather it's #cardiganweather everybody celebrate #cardiganweather and wear your #cardigans in this #weather #imdead
Sep 24
*walks up to friends* hey guys! ... oh yesterday? well let's see; i stood in parts of my room, tried to make fried ice-cream and cried twice
Sep 26
i want to announce to a group of people after much frustration "i guess what i'm trying to say is none of you bitches know me"
Oct 6
the day steve jobs died my poop was statue-of-liberty green
Oct 17
feeling pretty jimmy chen
Oct 18
stopped myself from doodling "teenage butt syndrome" in bubble letters on my political science notes during lecture on anarchism & godwin
Nov 1
i literally have never owned a dog
Nov 15
when i die can someone transcribe my tweets into a book w. a person shrugging shoulders on the cover, title: it was probably for the best
Nov 26
"i am alone" vs "i am single" (you say tomato, i say fall in love with me)
Dec 14
babies cry because they are alive and that is the saddest thing to be
Dec 19
a customer came up to me today and said "whats wrong" while i was thinking about my okcupid profile
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