I just saw a perfectly proportioned midget on wilshire and almost had a car
accident trying to figure out if he was a child or a tiny adult
my brother is performing at Justin Bieber's birthday party tonight...
"who the hell is Justin Bieber? is he famous?" -my brother
it's times like this when i wonder what 5 black guys, a woman in a sequin
mini dress and a 5 year old boy are doing in the room next door
update: 3 more black guys just showed up with a dog
just heard my grandma say from kitchen "why can't I just be chill?"
if I could spend all day alone in the dark watching scifi and thinking about
my various vague emotional problems, I would. I really would
I only like kombucha because it sort of tastes like alcohol and it feels
exciting to drink it while I drive
they spelled "African" wrong at the volunteer booth for the African American
Collegians Program in the quad...
felt suddenly entrapped by the idea that I have to "eat" and "sleep" every
single day. that's too much eating and sleeping. feels burdensome
my computer is so cute when it makes that loud fan noise because it has a
hard time doing simple tasks. "the little MacBook that could"
so, if I cant figure out a way to browse the internet in fetal position,
does that mean i have to choose one or the other? bullshit
looking for a way to exercise that doesn't involve exerting energy or
willpower. any suggestions?
FOUND: one step dad, asleep face-first on the couch with the lights on. When
questioned about his actions, replied: "I'M NOT SLEEPING"
thinking about hiring a large group of 7th grade boys with skateboards to
follow me everywhere I go. will refer to them as my "entourage"
pulled 3 baby pacifiers out of my jacket pocket in class. don't know who
they belong to. guy next to me seems confused
there are 9 empty wine glasses in my room right now
wish there were "drug vending machines" instead of "drug dealers". wish
those machines also took credit cards
waking up so late that you can start drinking alcohol right after you finish
your coffee and the timing isn't even inappropriate
Corn Chips and Cheddar Cheese Dipped in Hummus: A Memorable Moment in Binge
just spent 20 minutes eating mashed potatoes out of a ziplock bag while
sitting on my kitchen floor with no pants on
my mom just told me that my dad used to draw photo realistic pictures of
burnt toast almost every day when they were married
just had a flashback to the time that my stepdad put a beer in my lunch in
kindergarten because he thought it would be funny
Extremely High and Incredibly Fucked
I can only make meaningful/extended eye contact with people after taking
≥30mg of Adderall
I wish there was such thing as a time-release burrito that I could eat for
guy in 7-11 just pointed at a homeless person with an amputated foot and
said "is that real?"
my 3 year old cousin just asked me what sand smells like
I put something somewhere. don't remember what it was or where I put it
I wish whales could fly
I think more people would want to be my friend if I was a whale at Sea
when I'm upset, I like to imagine morbidly obese people making loud whale
after a ~10 minute silence my little sister said "I would like to be
baptized as a theoretical person-fish" and no one said anything back
a homeless guy just told me that he's Jennifer Lopez's dad. I feel like he's
telling the truth.
the morbidly obese guy sitting in front of me just yelled "I SPRAINED MY
EYEBROW" and ran out of class
homeless man openly 'jacking off' his flaccid penis on the street corner
said "hey girl" really quietly as I walked by. he seemed depressed
I want the Mortal Combat theme song to play at my funeral
imagine a severely depressed sloth becoming frustrated and crying while
trying to masturbate because his hand is moving too slowly
why aren't there any morbidly obese dwarves? that seems cool
my professor just said "masturbation" instead of "masterpiece" and I was the
only one who laughed
seems like penguins have really unpleasant lives
a large naked man getting arrested in front of my house said "I have drugs
in my pocket" and the cop responded "you're naked"
the guy sitting in front of me just googled 'big perky tits'
a homeless man is quietly peeing on my house I think
just waltzed with a 300 pound Samoan football player in front of my 70
person history class for extra credit
old homeless man patted my back while I was paying a parking meter and said
"you are my first cousin. we will get married in Belgium"
bleakest bitch in town
thinking about lasagna while drinking beer alone in my car
can't stop imagining people who weigh ~400-600 pounds being transported
places via forklift
a short film in which a confused sheep repeatedly makes unwanted sexual
advances on animals that are 'similar' to sheep (goats, alpacas)
woke up with an open container of hummus and an empty beer bottle in my
feel like a whale passively rolling down the side of a mountain while
peaking on LSD